I had anxiety about going to concerts alone, or doing anything alone really. I still chose the floor.
Going to concerts alone was never the plan. Yet there I was, walking out of American Airlines Center in Dallas after the Backstreet Boys DNA World Tour on September 1, 2019, convinced everyone around me knew I had come by myself.
Nobody knew.
They were probably thinking about where they parked. Or which song just wrecked them. Or whether they were getting food on the way home. Nobody was tracking me as I made my way through the streets outside, phone in hand, trying to find my then husband driving around to pick me up.
But I didn’t know that yet. And honestly, that walk was a little intimidating.
The Choice That Started It All
Weeks before the show, my then husband gave me two options. Go with him and sit in the nosebleeds, or go alone and sit on the floor. He knew how much I loved the Backstreet Boys. The choice was mine.
I had been a huge fan since middle school. I just knew I wanted to be close to the stage. I wanted to feel it. And the floor was going to get me there, even if I had to walk in by myself.
The Show
The lights went down. The screaming started. Then the Backstreet Boys came out and I completely lost my ever-loving mind.
For all the anxiety I had about going to concerts alone, it disappeared the second the show started. I grabbed a margarita on the way to my seat, which I do not usually do. I sang every word. I danced. I chatted with the girls next to me like we had known each other for years. I jumped because I am fun sized and the people in front of me were tall and I was not about to miss a single moment.
I was fully there. Not half there. Not distracted. Not managing anyone else’s experience. By the end of the night I barely had a voice left.
There were so many emotions that night. Regret was not one of them.
The Walk Out
The walk out was the hardest part. Not because anything bad happened, but because my brain was doing that thing where it narrates your life out loud and makes you feel like a spotlight is following you. She’s alone. Everyone can tell she’s alone. Why is she alone?
I stayed on my phone trying to coordinate a pickup while everyone around me was busy living their own lives. Nobody had noticed a thing.
Where I Learned This
My mom has been doing this her whole life. Not concerts specifically, though. That’s more my thing. But she has always moved through the world like she doesn’t need permission or a plus one to do it. She goes where she wants to go. She does what she wants to do. Alone or with someone, she shows up exactly the same.
I grew up watching that. I didn’t know it was becoming part of me until my separation in late 2020.
The Key Came First
That night in Dallas didn’t unlock anything on its own. But it handed me a key I didn’t know I was holding.
When my marriage ended and I was navigating life on my own terms, first through my separation and then through my divorce in February 2022, I thought about that night. The fact that I had done it and actually loved every second of it. That memory was waiting for me.
I had no idea that night would become the first of dozens of concerts I would attend on my own over the next several years.
After that, I kept going. Concerts, solo. Dinners, solo. Whatever I wanted to do, I started doing it without waiting for someone to do it with me.
And every time that little voice shows up at the door of a venue telling me everyone is going to notice I’m alone, I think about that night in Dallas. Nobody noticed then. Nobody notices now. What they do notice is someone who is fully there. Present. Soaking it in.
Live Out Loud
Live Out Loud, for me, isn’t a concept. It’s not a quote I put on a graphic. It’s the actual decision I made in Dallas when I chose the floor over the nosebleeds, and every decision I’ve made like it since.
Going to concerts alone turned out to be one of the best things I ever did for myself. Not because it was brave. Because it taught me I didn’t need permission to enjoy my own life, or my own fandoms, exactly as I wanted to.
These days, when there is a concert I want to see, I buy the ticket. Sometimes I go with others. Sometimes I don’t. Either way, I’m not missing the show.
Always Becoming
